Had been looking at a bunch of flele shells on DeviantArt. Then, while I was on the potty, saw an adorable chibi girl in the cloudy swirls of the bathroom tile.

"Oh no! I'll never remember how she looks if I go away."

Actually grabbed my sketch box to get her down... O.o

Will show you all a pic if I can get my scanner working and the finished product comes out alright.

When I started the process of changing my life, getting divorced and moving to Seattle, I was off the map. I didn't have very strong plans or ideas of where I wanted to end up. At the time, it was thrilling.

Now, I have tried a couple of approaches to getting to a career in video games as an artist, or rather, getting a portfolio that would sell me as an artist for video games. They've been unsuccessful. My estimate of the time it would take was waaaaaaaaaaaay off. Guess I thought that the kind of illustrations I wanted to do would be as easy to pick up as the handcrafts that I'm good at. Nope.

Also made a very slap-dash, ass-first attempt at freelance design and illustration (as a day job). That didn't work. But because I got 2 jobs in 2 weeks, at the beginning it seemed to. With research, can see where I went wrong. Also obvious from this paragraph. Didn't go in with any kind of plan or knowledge of what I was doing.

At the moment this makes me sad. My confidence has flagged. I miss the brass balls that characterized my youth. (Yes, know I'm still young. Instead of "my youth" substitute "the end of my childhood.")

Feel lost, and that I've let Michael G. down. He is completely supporting my butt. Gave him a time line that I wasn't able to meet. Don't feel like I'm normally like that, but I massively flubbed the second half of one of my freelance assignments the same way. Looks like I overestimated my skills. Don't want to do that again. But if I'm too conservative, won't try for anything. That would be especially easy to do in my current state.

Been telling myself that I don't know what to do, but it's more that I don't know what I want. With no goal, it's pretty hard to chart a course.

Admittedly, started down a road towards making art for video games because it looked easy(ish). It's not. Neither is freelancing. Don't know why in the world I thought they would be. Of course they're as difficult as any other careers.

And Freelancing really is a full-time career. Not a day job. Guess I was running so hard away from another office-job that I convinced myself it was a good idea. Pretty silly.

Have a vague idea of getting that same office job, and going back to school. The resources online are phenomenal now. The quality of education there is high, and inexpensive compared to S.C.A.D..

Tired of feeling worn out. And tired of feeling like I'm starting from scratch over and over again. Wish I could find something that I'm naturally good at to pull me through. Would love to play to my long suit, if I could figure out what it was.

If you know me, are reading this, and have some idea of what you think I'm good at, please tell me. Don't seem to be a very good judge on my own.

Have a lot of little skills, but not enough business acumen to figure out which of them (if any) is actually marketable, and how to sell whatever it is.

All of this sounds pretty glum, and possibly as if I've given up. Haven't. Giving up isn't really something I do. Not in the sense of throwing my hands up in the air and not taking any kind of action, anyway. Am just musing, and trying to figure out where I am so I can go forward.

I think.




About 2 weeks ago, went on a trip to TN to mail back my things, see family and friends, get the divorce papers signed, say goodbye to my cats, and (I thought) to Mike Cook. I came down dreadfully ill the day before and stayed sick as a dog for the entire trip.

But now I'm DONE. Tomorrow I take the divorce papers to the courthouse. Sure, there will probably be some emotional fallout in the next few months, and I wish I had someone to go with me tomorrow for emotional support, but I'm pretty certain that all of the really hard tasks are complete.

Which leaves me room to begin admitting how fucking hard moving and starting the divorce was. I pulled through it with a lot more equanimity, wisdom and emotional strength than my 5 years of unchecked, suicidal depression, but it was about on par for difficulty. Even though some of my nearest and dearest turned on me and really hurt me, I was still really lucky and had lots of support from the most wonderful man, local and extended family, my social worker (along with the the Dawn team), and many fantastic friends. (Pretty sure I've been good about acknowledging them along the way, but here's an extra Thank You.)

While I was going through it, I couldn't really think about how tough it was. Barely wrote in my journal at all. Putting the words down usually gives me a more objective perspective. Instead, I had to keep telling myself that it wasn't too bad, and everybody goes through rough parts in their life. Not to mention that, along with all the sorrow and pain, I had access to more happiness than had been possible for years. So I made it. Shockingly smoothly -- considering.

My mood is a bit changeable today. Got really frustrated around 2-ish. I'm not quite as physically well as I thought and was feeling too weak to want to do much of anything. Also peeved at a friend. The particulars of that situation are between me and them and won't be discussed here. Had a very short cry (tend to choose when to indulge in that very carefully) and was comforted by the Bug, a.k.a Peabody Butticus Maximus (Michael's cat).

Feeling better, though still not gung-ho for going downstairs to fetch my last couple of TN packages or going grocery shopping. REALLY need to do some more job-hunting too. Barely did anything on that front today, and none yesterday. Not feeling quite so weak though, and that's good.

At some point, I really want to tell you about how amazingly fantastically splendorous my Christmas and New Year's were. They were wonderful. How come I don't spend more time telling you all about the good things? Maybe it's because I'm too busy enjoying them when they happen. ^_~  ;P

I keep staring at them. They're so pale and knobby-knuckled.

The rings were really what caught my eye. Without them, my hands look naked and foreign. I find myself fingering the calluses where they were.




I suppose it fits. I'll relearn their ways, see how they have changed--what sort of things they want to do on their own. Maybe they'll be painting a truck into the gypsy wagon I'd like it to be, pounding down tent stakes, or facilitating any number of adventures.

They've been tired...I think they'll be happy to serve just one mistress for a while. I plan to treat them a little better, pampering them with lotion, keeping them out of harm's way.

I made a big breakthrough in my ab routine tonight. I've been working out 4 to 6 times a week  for about 4 and 1/2 weeks now. the program is a combination of strength training, aerobics, and flexibility. I can definitely see the changes in my body. Even though I haven't lost any inches, the muscles underneath are so much more toned that the shape is really getting nice. Plus, if I push in to my actual abdominal muscles, beyond being really hard, I can actually feel ripples and ridges for the first time in my life. It is so cool. (^_^) I am very, very proud of myself for sticking with this. I have not been doing my whole diet and fitness program to-the-letter-perfectly (probably why I still have fat on my belly), but it's still making a difference and I'm really happy about it. I'm also proud of myself for continuing to do it, sometimes badly. It's a big deal for me to allow myself to do a stinky job of things sometimes, but keep going.

spiderling introduced me to a fun game/self help exercise today:

Pretend you have a thousand dollars on the first day, and figure out what you would spend it on. The second day, you have two thousand. Every day you add another thousand dollars and see what happens. It gives me something nice to write about, so my first day I'm sharing with you :)

I'm buying spiderling  a kindle. Because that would make me happy and because she cheered me up so much. So there's $359 down. Which leaves me $641 if my quick head math is correct. Hmm...well, I'd buy Mike and myself dinner at Red Lobster. We'd eat crab until we popped open. Woo ha ha ha! Then we'd get dessert and coffee at Cafe Lola. Let's call all of that about $100. $541 left. I'd buy all the traditional oshiroi and other makeup  for my Tayuu costume. I think I priced that for around $200. With the remaining $341 I'd get my yard immaculately groomed and maybe plant some annuals that would bloom right away. I'd also buy Mike the silicon (silicone?) muffin pan he wants for popovers. Yee Haw!!!

Yay! I finally finished drafting the pattern for my kimono tonight.




While I greatly respect John Marshall, and am grateful for his Make Your Own Japanese Clothes book, he could really simplify the pattern drafting element. If I get the urge someday, I'll make some sort of "appendix" for the book, showing how you can overlap the outlines of several pieces onto one pattern piece. It would have saved me so much time and effort if I'd thought of it sooner. I'd post it on the Immortal Geisha Forums or somewhere else that people who want to sew kimono get together. (BTW, if you want really authentic patterns for Japanese clothes, I would skip the oft-recommended Making Kimono and Japanese Clothes by Jenni Dobson. If I didn't have to pay postage, I would have mailed that one back to Amazon. If you want adapted clothes, I guess it's great.)

To celebrate my finishing this all-important step, I'm going to share a bunch of design sketches that show a little bit of progression from my first Tayuu idea, Leather Butterfly, to my current Jigoku Dayuu.
( Pictures and Notes )

Cheers everyone. Hope you're having a wonderful weekend.

I've been trying to decide what to write about for a week. The quick rundown of significant stuff in my life is this:

1. Con-Nooga lost money for us.
2. We are now brokety broke broke broke.
5. My 32nd birthday is next week.

Suze Ormon had an article in People recently about getting by in hard times like these. The crux of the article seemed to be "Do you really need this item (a new winter coat, in her example), or do you just want it? Cut back to what you really need." Applicable to my life? Hmmm... do I really need my antidepressants (which cost $75 for the generic) or would I rather eat? Tough choice. Oh wait! I couldn't buy my meds if I wanted to! ::::headsmack:::: I opted for food. Thanks Suze! That advice helped a lot! :)

In lighter news, while we were killing ourselves making armor and other things for the convention, I started talking about how scary emus are.** For one thing, they look like freaking dinosaurs. For another, when you come face to face with them, they home straight in on your eyes and their beady orbs say: "Come a little closer, LUNCH." (Trust me, spiderling  and I once visited an ostrich and emu ranch.)

Michael: "How much damage could they do? They don't even have teeth. Just beaks."

Me: "That's why they'd have to disembowel you with their clawed feet...and then shred you into bite size pieces."

Charles: "You've actually thought this over, haven't you?"

Me: "Yes. Yes I have. "
        "And let me tell you, the Emu Apocalypse is far more terrifying than the Zombie Apocalypse could ever be."

This, of course, led me to imaginings of the ZOMBIE Emu Apocalypse. The most terrifying of all!!! Imagine them if you will. Red eyes stare at you in an upside down glare. That weird, baldish head swings, pendulum like, from a long broken gray neck as they lurch forward... FEAR THEM.


**The truth being, of course, that I think emus are pretty neat, just very intense in their scrutiny. >_>




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As of 2:43 a.m., we just finished our largest Studio Kensai order to date. We made 44 quivers, 52 vambraces (arm guards), and 6 belt adapters. It was quite a push. We took on a third staff member to do it, and we might need even more people in the future. I would like to think it's a very good sign that we're growing in the midst of a recession.